Hi Jenny,
Nice work! I like how you have used paragraphs. Usually I don’t see them so much in your writing.. You have used them really well. I think you should try use them more often because it makes it a lot easier to read the piece of writing.
Although I don’t quite understand the second paragraph so much. Maybe re-read it and fix it up a little. In the first paragraph it says ‘ I started last year.’ You should say ‘I started last year in …’ Because someone might read it three years after you have published the writing.

22.8.16
Hi jenny!
I like the writing you wrote,Especially when you said what your goal is. Maybe next time you could add some commas like when you said you had two brothers and two sisters and mum and dad, so it doesn't sound like a robot.
By: Mia.M